Afraid of My Own Shadow
Some personal thoughts…(The usual info and analysis is coming later today)
My 73rd birthday present came a couple of days early when the Department of Justice dropped grand jury indictments for former president Donald J Trump.
In case you haven’t noticed, the former guy is currently running an electoral campaign centered on some absolute ruler-type promises to punish virtually anybody or anything that displeases him.
My birthday also brought on an obligation to the State of California, namely getting my driver’s license renewed. Since I’m now considered a senior citizen, I couldn’t just pay some fees online and wait for the card to arrive.
We over-seventy humans are required to show up in person to take a written test, get an eye exam, and go for a drive with one of the examiners. Based on what I saw during my recent visit to the Department of Motor Vehicles, this requirement is a damned good idea.
There was one elderly guy wandering around the Hillcrest office just popping up at various work stations and -I presume- asking the same question at each one. I started watching his efforts in an attempt to distract from my own nervousness. (We’ll get to that topic in a minute.) He was obviously having some mental challenges.
Each and every one of those civil servants he approached politely told him to stand in Line One, where they match what you need with the cubical number that can solve your problem. He’d shuffle off in that direction for a moment and then end up at another (not line one) workstation.
I’d be scared as hell to take the driver's test with the dude if he somehow figured out a path through the paperwork.
Side note: Given the level of uncertainty, lack of preparation, and attitude displayed by various ‘customers’ at the DMV office, I’d give the people working there a five star review on Rate Government Workers (dot) com if it existed. Also, why don’t they have Juneteenth off?
I was one of those difficult people, confused by the crowd and afraid of losing any of my pile of documents proving that I’m me.
I can’t vocalize/speak. My vocal cords went away eleven years ago, with a sample ending up in some leftover cancer holding freezer at UCSD. (Really!)
Back in the day, the appropriate term for my non-verbal condition was “dumb,” an assessment possibly brought on by non-speakers’ inability to respond to everyday conversations. Even today, when I flash the card in my back pocket saying “I can’t speak, but my hearing is fine,” people all-too-often speak louder and s l o w e r. I’ve learned to suppress the eyeroll.
I had an ace up my sleeve at the DMV, because in addition to my handy-dandy white board, my wife accompanied me. Generally speaking (pun intended), she did the talking while I nodded my head. I’m sure her presence made a huge difference, especially because she’s unfailingly polite.
In addition to needing a driver’s license, I was at the DMV to get a Real ID, the card they say you’ll need in the not too distant future to get on an airplane. I’d uploaded the necessary documents; now I had to get them verified as pieces of paper.
If you choose to do this -and I recommend that you do- you’ll need documents (there is a list on-line) establishing your identity and proving you are a resident of California (with the same address on your application.) If you don’t know how to scan a document, this is a golden opportunity to learn how.
Keeping a short story short(er), I blew through the appointment time of the on-the-road test and now have a temporary license. It’s a good thing I don’t do bars anymore, since I don’t think bouncers would accept a computer print out. (Yes, I’ve been carded as a geezer, usually with the excuse that everybody is required… blah, blah.)
Now, to the meat of the matter; I was scared shitless for the duration of my DMV office visit. My hands were shaking and the urge to flee was unceasing.
As we left the building, I had an epiphany: I’m afraid of people. The unease I feel while grocery shopping or running errands makes sense now. I’ve been to a couple of concerts over the past few months and lacked the ability to just be one with the music. Fight or flight is a strong impulse, and given my physical condition, doing battle isn’t even on my list.
I’ve been living in isolation (mostly) for the past three years. First there was COVID, which I took very seriously as a cancer survivor/patient. Then there was Round Two of the cancer, requiring hospitalization for the better part of month, and homecare for months.
While (we thought) the surgery worked for getting the cancer in Round Two, the aftermath left me needing four reconstructive surgeries, each with hospital time. For most of two months last summer I had a gaping wound in my throat where the esophagus is supposed to connect with the pie hole. I owe my wife an unpayable debt for the daily cleaning and maintenance during that period.
Finally, in late July the effort at reconstruction worked, although it would be months before I unplugged the feeding tube keeping me alive. Life started getting back to “normal,” except that I spent nearly all of my time at home. I’d learned a new habit.
A post-holiday trip to New Orleans (I have family there) in 2022-3 seemed to be just the ticket for getting my groove on with masses of humans.
But… There was the matter of that final, final post surgical checkup. Full stop. The cancer might be back! We went to NOLA, because sitting around would do nothing and, as it turns out, I would have missed the really good Haitian band we saw.
A biopsy was scheduled after our return. And yup, it was malignant.
So my 2023 has been largely focused on treating Round Three, first with radiation, and now with immuno/chemotherapy, which might go on for two years if the docs decide it’s worth it. Some weeks I have five appointments, others just one or two.
I’ve jokingly told a few people that visiting the UC San Diego cancer facilities is the totality of my social life these days, without acknowledging just how pathetic sounding that statement is.
Another side note: I have a bit of good news to throw in here. I just had my first CT scan following six weeks of infusions… and they found…nothing new. The cancer isn’t growing or spreading. Gonna keep my fingers crossed.
So, back to the DMV. My hands were shaking and my mind was reeling. Yes, dealing with authority could be stressful, but my reaction was way beyond that. The internets tell me the name for what I’m feeling is anthropophobia (which isn’t officially a thing) aka social anxiety disorder.
The other bit of internet wisdom is that the best response to this sort of anxiety situation is to take a deep breath…which happens to be exactly what my wife was telling me to do.
My psychiatrist will have plenty to chew on during the next appointment. He’s going to say I’m gonna have to get to work on myself.
Maybe I’ll pop up at a meeting or two, start trying to have lunch with old friends, and be more self aware as I move through life. If you see me, say hi or blow a raspberry. I’ll wave back.
Thanks, as always, for tuning in.
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Very Interesting News Nuggets
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Corporations Do Not Have Any Rights That We Don't Give Them Via How Things Work
Their howls and gasps of outrage at the existence of labor regulation that might actually be effective provides a perfect opportunity to remind everyone that once you begin speaking of the “rights” of corporations, you have already fallen down the long, slippery slope to… well, to the centibillionaire cowboy capitalism of today.
Corporations have no natural rights. They are recalcitrant robots who must be whipped into line. It’s okay—they don’t have feelings. Whip them harder! It’s good!
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RFK Jr. claims chemicals in the water are turning boys transgender Via The Washington Blade. There is no mention of why ‘girls’ are wanting to transition. Note how Kennedy goes from a truth –chemicals in water supply are probably bad– to a scary conclusion with a less than certain result –...it’s probably underappreciated.
In a recently unearthed video interview, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the noted anti-vaccine conspiracy theorist and a Democratic challenger of President Joe Biden’s 2024 reelection bid, claimed chemicals in the water supply are turning boys trans.
“A lot of the problems we see in kids, particularly boys, it’s probably underappreciated how much of that is coming from chemical exposures, including a lot of sexual dysphoria that we’re seeing,” the scion of the Kennedy political dynasty said during an interview with Canadian psychologist and ring-wing pundit Jordan Peterson.
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You are a composite of many wonderful things, my friend. Your brain and ability to put words together in a serious, humorous way always reels me in for a delightful, informative read. I hope to see you around town at breakfast, lunch, or a musical outing. You teach so many lessons, Doug, with your honest reporting of your cancer, side-effects, and fears. I am grateful at 84 that I have not faced your issues, but I hope if I do, I will reflect on your tenacity and ability to accept where you are in this life threatening journey you've been on and just know that keeping on is part of the struggle. Have a great day and wave to me if you pass me on the road. I'm the one sitting on top of my steering wheel, gripping it with two hands and focused on the road ahead! Have a great day! :)
So sorry about what you have been through and what you are going through my friend. You are a true hero and your blog posts are a treasure.