How I Lost the War

By Vladimir Putin

Yes, yes, I know, you hate me. Join club. All my best buddies lost their yachts and villas, and want my head on a stick. President Xi won’t take my calls, even Philippines President Duterte calls me a numb skull. I get it. Hey, at least Tucker Carlson still likes me. 

It all started pretty well. I had Crimea, and two “break away” provinces led by those idiot suck ups in Donbas. They really thought I’d let them run the place. Hah! Obama got so mad, but I made him look silly and weak. And Republicans, well, they can always be counted on to take my side against any Democrat (or their country as it turns out, hehe). How your country manage not to fall apart with those traitorous leeches, I never know. 

Europe, why did you go off script?!?! All this unity bull shit, where did this come from? After Brexit, I thought for sure you guys could be counted on to go at each other’s throats. Macron, I do love playing with him though. He really thought he could get me to play nice, and make him a hero. Hehe. 

After my little Trumpski spent four years berating and shoving allies out of the way, I thought for sure NATO was just a museum exhibit. Huh, who knew? 

So here I am, bested by a Ukrainian president who is former comedian and dances (pretty well) in high heels, and a geriatric US president that everyone told me had sundowners syndrome. “How did this shit happen”, you might ask? 

I kinda been wondering this thing myself. Why didn’t my best people tell me of this? Were the novichok cocktails I make too strong? Light weights. Of course I don’t like bad news, what ruthless overcompensating dictator does? 

I hear these weak generals grousing about mud, and cold, telling me to make war in summer. Bullshit. Does not Ukraine have roads? Are there not heaters in those smokey diesel guzzling tanks? We are Russians, what is this nonsense about frost bite? I ride around in Russian winter shirtless on horseback. Tough up young sissies. 

Then, I hear my guys don’t like shooting other white people. What is this nonsense? I told you they were Nazis, you can shoot. So what if your Auntie is in Ukraine, she is probably Nazi too. Did she send you a present last Christmas? No. I gave you bonus. So go shoot Auntie and shut up. 

I give all this expensive weapons to my guys, then they complain about radios. I tell them, hey, go steal a Ukrainian’s phone if your radio not working, not my problem. What, you think I run radio repair shop here?  Besides, no one wants to talk to you anyway. Just go shoot things, how hard can it be? 

And these sanctions, I mean really, WTF. You even take my yacht. I am now pissed off. Did I mention I have nukes?!?! Give it back or I blow all of you up. What good is the world if I don’t get to be Russian big baller in it? Answer me that. 

By the way, Hitler was wimp. He failed fighting on two fronts. I failed fighting on five. Top that! I spread my army thinner than my wife’s nighties. Hah! 

I’d discuss this more, but honestly, the pounding on my bunker door has been getting ridiculously loud, and I really can’t focus right now. 

Peace (hehe). 

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By Timothy P. Holmberg.  With Pleasure