Only the Best Gifts, Gaffes, and Grifts

(for Trump's Birthday)

The presumptive nominee for president of the Republican Party turned 78 today. Since the man already has everything he needs (except the presidency), it’s only appropriate that I share presents with the readers of this column.

Congressional Republicans wanted to get ahead of the rush to honor Donald Trump on Thursday, presenting him with a grocery store-looking sheet cake with the numbers 45 and 47 presented in birthday candles. 

The editors of the Associated Press, no doubt in need of brownie points, presented the gift of a wonderful headline for their coverage of the ex-president’s visit to Capitol Hill:

• Cheers, cake and a fist-bump from GOP as Trump returns to Capitol Hill - (followed by subhead) - Donald Trump has made a triumphant return to Capitol Hill to meet with House and Senate Republicans for the first time since the Jan. 6, 2021 attack 

Not everybody saw it through MAGA-colored lenses.

Activists at the Indivisible Network reacted with:

• Congressional Republicans gave a standing ovation to the re-election losing, twice impeached, quadruply indicted, adjudicated rapist, business fraud & convicted felon who sent a rabid mob to attack them and their colleagues 3 years ago.

Democratic Congressman Adam Schiff dubbed Donald Trump’s return Thursday to the Capitol for the first time since Trump’s Jan 6 attack: “Bring your felon to work day.”

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Enough with the catty remarks, already. Let’s focus on the man’s accomplishments on Thursday.

Nevada Congressman Mark Amodei said the event was "mandatory fun for everybody" in the Republican Party. Other lawmakers including Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) and Florida Republican Reps. Byron Donalds and Matt Gaetz called the president "energetic" or described the event as filled with "energy."

Some of that energy was on display as the former president wandered into politically fraught territory, calling out the most populous metropolis of a key swing state. 

• "Milwaukee, where we are having our convention, is a horrible city," 

GOP Emergency spin doctors reacted quickly once this quote leaked with insults hurled at reporter Jake Sherman at Punchbowl News. House speaker Michael Johnson went so far as to tell Sean Hannity at Fox News. (h/t Jay Kuo)

• ”I didn't hear it,” Johnson said with a poisonous smile, “and I was sitting right next to him.”

Needless to say, Democratic spin doctors jumped in, purchasing billboards informing the citizens of Milwaukee of the quote.

Wisconsin, being a key swing state, is crucial to the Trump campaign. In 2016, a narrow victory in the state helped deliver the election to Team Trump, and a narrow loss in 2020 helped elect Joe Biden in 2020. Once again, a snip from Jay Kuo:

• One way to remind a section of these voters is to amplify what Trump actually said about their hometown. Remember, Trump thinks he can peel off large numbers of African American voters this time, citing way-too-early polls showing that such voters may be more persuadable this time around.

• The city is split nearly evenly in its racial make-up between whites and African Americans, at around 38 percent each. Hispanics, whom Trump is also trying to court, are around 13 percent. That makes Milwaukee one of the most racially diverse cities in America. But there is also civic pride that unites the residents, including a recent NBA championship win by the Milwaukee Bucks and iconic characters and moments in film and television. 

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Among the other highlights of the ex-president’s Hill visit, he:

• Railed against the Department of Justice, calling them “dirty bastards.”

• Blasted Biden for canceling a permit for the Keystone XL pipeline on the first day of his presidency.

• Advised Republicans to hit Biden and Democrats on inflation and the border. 

• Called the push to expand electric vehicle use “the dumbest thing.” 

• Mentioned the idea of imposing an “all tariff policy,” saying it enable the U.S. to get rid of income tax,

• Brought up Taylor Swift, asking the room why the pop singer would “endorse this dope,” referring to Biden.

• Suggested abortion only became a “complex issue” 10 years ago

• Joked that the fictional serial killer Hannibal Lecter was a “nice guy,”

Fox News’ Jesse Watters described Trump meeting with Republicans as a total love fest, the same term the ex-president uses in reference to January 6th rioters.

BREAKING, via Fox News:

• A House GOP lawmaker is spearheading an effort to name the United States’ coastal waterways after former President Trump.

• Rep. Greg Steube, R-Fla., is introducing a bill on Friday to rename the immediate waters surrounding the U.S., called the U.S. Exclusive Economic Zone (EEZ), as the "Donald John Trump Exclusive Economic Zone of the United States."

• If passed, it would mandate the name change on any applicable laws, maps, documents and other records.

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Trump also took time on Thursday to drop in to the quarterly meeting of the Business Roundtable, where a who’s-who of eighty prominent executives asked about his plans for a second term.

From The New York Times:

• Now, a number of those leaders are gradually submitting to the reality that Mr. Trump could win the White House again, and are far more receptive to his pitch even as several privately insist they remain personally repulsed by him.

• Still, Mr. Trump continues to call for another economic measure that business interests generally oppose, reiterating to a group of House Republicans earlier on Thursday that he favored imposing much higher tariffs on most imported goods.

• Such import taxes would increase costs for corporations that import raw materials and equipment, and could set off a global trade war and retaliatory tariffs that would make it harder for American companies to sell their products overseas.

“CEOs said that he was remarkably meandering, could not keep a straight thought, was all over the map,” CNBC reporter Andrew Sorkin said on Squawk Box Friday morning. “They walked out of the room less predisposed to him.”

CNBC also reported, "Trump then told the CEOs a story about how excited tipped workers were about his proposal, prompting laughter from the corporate leaders, according to multiple people.”

Just a reminder: The catalyzing event triggering the Great Depression was not just the 1929 stock market crash — it was the GOP-backed institution of massive new tariffs. And Smoot-Hawley was a fraction the size of the tariffs Trump wants to adopt.

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Friday Finds in the News World

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The Chilling Reason You May Never See the New Trump Movie by Michelle Goldberg at The New York Times

• It’s common to read about movies that are shown in most of the world but not released in, say, Russia or, more often, China. Should “The Apprentice” end up widely available globally but not, for political reasons, in the United States, it will be a sign of democratic decay, as well as an augur of greater self-censorship to come. After all, if anxiety about enraging Trump is already shaping what you can and cannot watch, it’s probably bound to get even worse if he actually returns to power.

• In 2017, when he was frustrated that his attorney general, Jeff Sessions, wasn’t protecting him from the investigation into his Russia ties, Trump exclaimed, “Where’s my Roy Cohn?” The uncertain fate of “The Apprentice” demonstrates that he no longer needs to replace the man, because he’s got a whole movement instead.

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Project 2025 Has Happened to Madonna. Will It Ruin Her Life? By Andra Watkins

• Numerous readers may say, “This guy was at a MADONNA concert. What did he expect? Did he think he wouldn’t see a bunch of naked or near-naked bodies and simulated sex that wouldn’t result in giving him a public hard-on?”

• My point exactly. For a movement eager to limit freedom of expression, to foist its definition of “pornography” upon the masses, what better creator to pick than Madonna?

• Yes, creators with enough money (like Madonna) can craft ironclad legal waivers for people to sign in advance of show attendance. Clever attorneys may thus keep Christo-fascist “porn-obsessed” Republicans at bay for a season. But if this lawsuit is successful, it will force creators to read the minds of each person who may see or experience their works. Many creators, even financially successful ones, may choose to blunt their creations’ edges rather than risk lawsuits and ongoing litigation.

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Dingus of the week: Chik-fil-a
Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Summer Camp: It’s fire! By Lyz at Men Yell at Me

• For $35 per kid, parents can send their kids to a Chick-fil-A location (the Louisiana franchise was apparently inspired by one in Houston, so great news, you’ve got options!) where they will get a meal and learn how to cook, clean, and serve food, just like a little laborer. Does this sound suspiciously like child labor? HOW DARE YOU!

• It’s not like a company that has had numerous locations repeatedly cited for violating child labor laws would violate child labor laws. Not the company that has already paid out millions of dollars in fines for paying kids in food instead of money! (Editor’s note: Chick-fil-A franchises are locally owned and operated; according to ABC News, “A representative for the company explained … that this is not a corporate program and assured the restaurant staff are still the ones making any food and the children are not doing any work of a hired team member.” Okay, ass covering done.)

• They are a Christian company. They were founded on the Biblical principles! You know the classic capitalistic values that Jesus preached in his sermon on the Mount – about giving unto others, the meek inheriting the earth, and letting the little children come to him, because they’re lazy and need to get their asses to work.